Trust Based Relationships

Below is a comparison list of relationship values.  I am comparing Trust Based Relationship Values in contrast with Tradition Based Relationship Values, because consciousness loves contrast and the differences become more distinct when compared.  This is my own list and attempt to clarify my relationship values.  I hope this helps you in your process, and please feel free to comment below, although I may not answer each individually.


Trust Based Relationship Values
Tradition Based Relationship Values
God is Secure, all loving, and a super Natural Earthy Divine Intelligence God is insecure, vengeful, angry, male
Present oriented Future and Past Oriented
Equity in time getting listened to more Dominate (historically male) gets heard
Living arrangement created to serve needs Assumed nuclear family single home
Fidelity includes transparency about Exclusivity Erotic inner world Fidelity is only about Sexual
Experimentation and evolution of Relationship valued more Security and Homeostasis valued
No one is allowed to give in, only giving to is valued of giving Frequent struggle of the “Fairness”
Love is a freely given Gift Love is Expected
Love is Free Love is Earned
Celebrates individual incomparableness Strives to be treated as Special Number One
True Celebration of what each one brings to the union joyfully Regret for the sacrifice one is making for relationship. (Bachelor Party to say goodbye to freedom and forbidden fruit)
Unconditional love Conditional Love
Love each other’s free will Threatened by, or competitive with, other’s free will
Sex as communion w/Cosmos Sex as Spousal Duty
Seeks expansion/growth in both Stays small to not threaten partner
Trusts in Universe Trusts in the Relationship
Values of restorative Justice Values retributive Justice
Frequently sits w/the unknown Avoids anxiety of unknown thru business, and following rules and roles
Sex is seen as transformative & transcendent for Spiritual Development and Bonding Purposes Sex is for Release
Community Empathize in Empowering Ways Community Colludes in Disempowering ways
Sex is all Chakra Focused Sex is genitally focused (2nd Chakra)

Copyright: Kelly Bryson MFT

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7 Responses to Trust Based Relationships

  1. Wade Evans says:

    I love this…. but I think you have a larger list somewhere.
    Would it be okay with you if I type in a comment the ones that seem missing?

  2. rofaith says:

    Good list, although I take issue with your first item. I intuit that the “traditional” view of God is either a personal opinion or at most a “community” opinion about God and is a not so veiled attempt to redefine a biblical view of who God is. There are far more references in the Bible to God being an all loving, grace filled, unconditional loving God then otherwise. References to Israel’s history in the OT sometimes is confusing and many personalize those phrases… it is unfortunate. Romans Chapter 8 and 1st Corinthians Chapter 13 in the NT for example are treatises on the redefinition of how God is to be viewed in relationship with each of us personally made completely possible by what Jesus Christ achieved on our behalf in connection with Faith. The idea of sin, albeit viewed as” old fashioned”, is a stumbling block for many…. the idea of being a sinful person and having personal, infinite value as a person are often confused….. In truth, both are different ideas and both are true and both truths are made very clear in the biblical text…. to remove this “downside”(sin) of a person that indeed can destroy him/her along with those in relationship indeed was an act of love on the Father’s part through Jesus Christ, with no contribution from mankind at all. …. does it make sense ? …. actually, no. But, nevertheless it is. Truthfully, I have found it to make more sense as time passes…. as I become more acquainted with the total biblical view of what God has to say, it just does. And so, my faith grows in this process because my mind is open to the spirituality that is in Jesus Christ and His unconditional love for me. I literally long to spiritually touch that love on a daily basis….. For God to reach out and intervene in my daily affairs to love me in this way is hardly, “insecure”. Actually, it speaks more of my own insecurity. . . So much more to say…. but, thanks for the opportunity to write this short paragraph on this subject…. God is Love (1st John 4:8) sincerely, Chris

  3. Hi Kelly, thank you for sharing this deeply insightful set of pointers. Very, very helpful and inspiring. Best wishes, Sharadha

  4. Nichola Ryan says:

    Actually, Kelly I want to comment on your book and this is a space I can find where you may read a comment. I have been reading your book for a month – most books I read in a few sittings as I read quite quickly. Yours I like to have sitting by me and just take small bites because I want to really get it. It is so enjoyable. You have a really wonderful, black sense of humor and and very easy style and the message is life-changing, don’t care if that’s a cliche. I love the obvious element of unorthodoxy in this book as well – it appeals to my rebellious side (which is pretty big).

    Sadly I found the central idea of this book – to aim for getting your needs met is a good thing – a new idea – God! How sad that a person could be excited by this idea. But at the same time it is exciting. My life will literally never be the same again, as I have now understood a deeply entrenched habit within me to please others (including a kind of imaginary Greek chorus in the back of my mind) and not myself. I recognise the pain and confusion that this has caused myself and others and also the waste of years and opportunities that this has also caused.
    That is such a wonderful gift to give someone Kelly. I thank you sincerely. Best wishes and blessings.
    Nichola Ryan

  5. George Baldwin says:

    You have to admire Kelly’s table (above) for what it is: a concise description of the alternate set of values inherent in the conscious community. Where the values described above can apply to an individual dyad– or relationships complicated by more than two people , when these values — and behaviors — are accepted by a larger group with common communication and interaction, you have community.

    Thanks Kelly for the easy to use and easy to share table. Much appreciated.

  6. Judy says:

    Can you create this comparison list of relationship values for all relationships: parent to child; friend to friend, etc. I am interested in these same trust based principles within non- sexual relationships.

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